If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
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Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever