If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
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Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Jeff Bezos has dropped to 3rd place in the world’s richest person rankings after being replaced by an Indian billionaire. Please visit our bio for the link to Bezos’s GoFundMe page. ❤️
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away