If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
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Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called