If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
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Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
*seductively winces due to lower back pain