If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
You Might Also Like
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
🙅🏻
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
only 11 steps left
Customize Your Wedding.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car