If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.

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ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*


Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this


I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.


Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked


Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”


TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
ME: ya i got it. im good right here


Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.


*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]


I am a man with convictions.

Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.


My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me: Step aside.