If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
You Might Also Like
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
HELP 😭
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.