If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
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Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
People buying plungers never look happy.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Was it something I said?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.