if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”