if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.

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You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice


“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.


I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.


I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.


Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.


Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.


Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher


One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…


Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.