If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
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Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Get off my horse you stupid moon
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
you will never know the true number of layers
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good