@TheAlexNevil

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

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@robdelaney

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

@carbsley

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

@AnOrangeSNES

Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar

@Brampersandon_

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

@WorkingMom86

Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay

*goes to bed

@david8hughes

“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”

@MoneypennyNaked

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.

@DurtMcHurtt

[first day being homeless]

What thread count are these newspapers?

@DanielRCarrillo

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.