If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
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I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho