If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
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There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.