If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
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High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
“Can you validate my parking?”
“You parked beautifully. Your dad would be proud.”
*wipes away tears* “Thanks.”
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.