If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
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I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
can’t catch a break
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[opens car door for wife]
WIFE: Please stop doing that on the freeway
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle