If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
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The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Erm…
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused