If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
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If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.
Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.