If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
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Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
There is no “we” in chocolate.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch