@DrunksWithGuns

If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.

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@stephenjmolloy

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

@Heartblakekid15

My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.

@funderlaw

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.

@thepaulasuzanne

A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.

@degg

the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him

@SJKSalisbury

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

@UncleDuke1969

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

@KimmyMonte

Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates

@GroovyTasia

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you