If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
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Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?