If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.