If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
You Might Also Like
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.