If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
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{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
He a real one for that
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.