If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
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My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
No regrets in 2018
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]