My last name is Zilla.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
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Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
SHEEP: you herd me
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
dads on road-trips be like