@Tmoney68

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

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@st__arving

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

@fro_vo

SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me

@WilliamAder

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

@mynameisntdave

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

@karlainvt

I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.

@NrouteHQ

The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in

@writingiswar

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.