If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
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Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Generation gap…
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Google Pay be like:
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one