If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
You Might Also Like
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere