If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Every BBC series about the universe.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them