If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
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Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.