If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
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Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”