If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
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Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Welcome to the stomach
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
robber: give me your wallet
me: do your thing patricia
girl im on a date with who’s profile said she enjoys karaoke but I read it as karate: what?
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”