If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
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going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.