If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Worst perfume name ever.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*