If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
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it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Is this a threat?
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.