If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.


A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?


For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.


So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.


Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”


I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?


I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same


My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.


Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.