If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

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My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.


“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato


Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do


I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*


The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.


My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?


If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.


ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS


Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet


“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.