@mahnamematt

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

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@CoreyKeyz

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

@benedictsred

A lot to unpack here…

But…girl rabbits don’t either.

Also…does Christ lay eggs?

@UnFitz

For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.

@nerdcula

So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.

@WilliamAder

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

@Playing_Dad

I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?

@Mom_Overboard

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

@KentWGraham

My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.

@PieChord

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.