If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
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The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Hit me in the face with a bird
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.