If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
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The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Good dog. ❤️
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.