If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
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Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.