If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
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I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world