“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
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RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio