If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
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[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Flowers bee like
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three