If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
You Might Also Like
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.