If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
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them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
get you a girl who
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.