if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.