If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
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Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
this could fix me
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.