If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
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Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
That de-escalated quickly
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30