If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later