If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend: