@JermHimselfish

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

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@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

@JimmerThatisAll

There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.

@UncleDuke1969

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

@iAmDelFreaky

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Now do you believe me?

Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.

Me: Then who made all that ice?

Wife: *walks away*

Me: WHO?!

@ozzyunc

Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.

@KatMcSnatch

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

@Cheeseboy22

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.