If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
My grandad used to swear by refrigerators. And televisions. In fact, he was probably the most foul-mouthed member of staff Comet ever had.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”