If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
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9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.