If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
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You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)