If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
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[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Guys, if your lady tells you she needs windshield wiper blades, SHE DOES NOT MEAN FOR CHRISTMAS!