@beccafacexo

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

You Might Also Like

@_SingleBabyMama

My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.

@timdonakowski

Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.

@BrendanMcKeigan

Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.

@Reverend_Scott

Angel: Whatcha makin?

God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.

Angel: That sounds innovative-

God: Others will eat them and die

Angel: …is this a prank?

@GalaxyKate

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”

@AimeeHelene1

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

@catstronomical

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

@specialsquid

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”