If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
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Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party