Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[walking out of bathroom]

me: oh boy, do NOT go in there

*guy walks in anyway*

*comes out screaming*

me: ya it’s like super haunted

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.

I’m raising an evil genius.

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact

“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”

SURE!

…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.

So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?

I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.

Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

[Inventor of the plow]

I’m gonna stab that field

USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?

me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…

Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!

first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?