If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
You Might Also Like
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Come on down to my kid’s restaurant.
Dinner specials include a half-eaten jam sandwich stuck to a couch, some other kid’s water bottle that has dirt in it, and a cheese string that has been in a warm pocket all day. Reservations encouraged.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
When I grow up, I want to be 16