If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”