@dshack8 Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
@J_Dazzle76 If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
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@dshack8 
@Parkerlawyer My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
@armyVet1972 1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
@MsLisaM Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
@slimmy_shady She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
@Gorrdano Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
@TheWriteStuff2u Dyslexics are teople poo!
@edthegodless 
@_elvishpresley_ Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
@Brentweets On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.