If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
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Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match